I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just threw up on my dentist
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
