I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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