Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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