im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
