doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My ATM looks so different sober.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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