Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
