Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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