i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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