Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
