So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
