I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
