if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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