: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
