Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
