I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
