This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
