it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
