I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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