i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Pants are for mortals
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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