when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
