nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
