Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize