so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
