Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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