I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
