just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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