You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
In America we eat man semen.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
