So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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