i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
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I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
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You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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