the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
