____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
