someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The uberlube is also flammable
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
