I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
