I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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