Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
