i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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