If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
