drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
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