I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
