Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
