Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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