woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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