I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
