New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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