Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
