I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
