Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the day after is always just damage control
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
