I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
