I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
