After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
It was confusing and full of hummus
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night