They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
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I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
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He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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