Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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