life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think my tv is drunk
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
