I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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