Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
