I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
