I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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