What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Randomize
