i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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