When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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