I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
