so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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